Why did I have such an awesome practice today?
What was the factor that made today stand out from other days? I know that it wasn’t just my body either. I was calm from the outset. I was sore, like always, spent about 15 minutes warming up with lunges, like always. I bathed first, like always. I hadn’t eaten in around four or so hours, as always (well, the day before, I hadn’t eaten at all, but it was first thing in the morning for me). I had the heat on in my little yoga room, as always.
What was different? NOTHING. Yet everything. What makes the bad days bad and the good days good?
Not that this is what made it a good practice, because it was good long before I got to this point, it was good from the very first Sun Salutation, but today was the first day in a long long long time, maybe a year or more, that I felt like maybe someday, maybe, possibly, I MIGHT touch my feet by myself someday in Kapotasana. Not that I care. Honestly, not that I care. If I didn’t feel that way today, I wouldn’t even be thinking about Kapotasana. Most of the time, I just skip it entirely, go right to Supta Vajrasana, or right to Urdhva Dhanurasana. So, really, I don’t care. But today I just went really really slowly and repeated it a few times, approached it the way I used to approach Marichyasana C or Supta Kurmasana. Patiently, low expectations, not expecting it to feel good. And it didn’t really “feel good”. It just didn’t feel bad. That’s something.
I kind of hate that I saw a crack of light at the end of the Kapotasana tunnel because I fear that it will add drama to future practices. How do I counteract that, this impulse to obsess over a pose? I think my impulse to obsess is far less than it ever has been in the past. But like all obsessions, like all addictions, once it’s there, it’s always there, the sleeping monster, waiting to be awoken.
Go back to sleep, sleeping monster.