Catching 22

I had an awesomely amazing practice today. God, how I love Primary Only, but only because I don’t only practice Primary. I was thinking about the paradox at some point towards the end of my practice when I actually allowed some thoughts to poke through my happy little autopilot trance: I would love to only practice Primary because then I have so much energy left over for backbends, and now that I am getting a little teeny tiny bit better at backbending, I don’t mind practicing Urdhva Dhanurasana immediately after finishing Primary. On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t feel that way if I was not also practicing through Supta Vajrasana on all other days.

Had a very odd dream last night. Can’t seem to shake it from my memory, as if it all really happened to me. In the dream, I met this wonderful, amazing, superperfect man, and it was the most wonderful, amazing and superperfect relationship for exactly two weeks, at which point, he died. I knew he was going to die because he told me as much. But there was no desperation in the relationship, no clinging. Just happy and perfect interactions. Immediately after he died, which was immediately after I left his home one day, his parents, whom I had never met, called me to ask me to speak at his memorial. The dream went from happy to mildly sad acceptance of a death that was already foreseen to increasing anxiety as I realized that I could not come up with anything to say about him at his memorial that would remotely capture who he really was, since, I did not actually know who he really was. All I could seem to come up with was, “I met him at a Bikram studio, where he was volunteering.” Nothing else came to mind. As I ruminated over a piece of scribble-paper and a pen, I was forced to go on a trip (with I am not sure whom). The trip took me to a really expensive fine art auction, where I saw a few people I knew and didn’t like, and to what I thought would be a beautiful suburban enclave, which turned out to be ugly and flooded. I was happy to get home, but I felt a bit embarassed that I was 15 minutes late to the memorial.

I woke up at 2:21 a.m., kind of happy that this mishmosh of fleeting images and rollercoaster of feelings was only a dream.

But if it was only a dream, then why does it feel like a memory? Damn
kleshas.

From what I know of psychoanalysis-style dream interpretation, the first part of the dream represents my wish for a perfect relationship with a man who would disappear before things could go wrong, before I could get to know him better. It also represents my fear of having happiness evaporate, or more specifically, of having a perfect relationship only to lose it. So, wishes and fears for perfection and loss. The rest of the dream reminds me of a movie that goes on for too long, with what seem to be artificial endings tacked on and on. Spielberg’s AI was like that. What I imagine happened was that after confronting my wishes and fears so provocatively, my conscious mind started to awaken – the dream began to evaporate. But I remained sleeping, and so the dream continued, altered by the intrusion of my conscious mind and all of its anxieties and preoccupations (embarassment, money, people I don’t like).

Oh, and also, I watched Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of whose story lines involved a man diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor just weeks after meeting AND marrying a woman who viewed him as the perfect catch.

And of course, I also watched Lost, which tends to do a number on my head. For Lost fans out there, anyone notice all of the references to “razors” in last night’s episode? Wonder what that was all about. I thought I had read somewhere that The Razor’s Edge by Somerset Maugham was an influece for the writers of Lost, but now I can’t find anything about that at all on Google. Also, what’s up with Kate’s use of pronouns instead of names, as in when she says to Jack at the airport in the Season 3 Finale, “I have to go; he’ll be wondering where I am” (which I thought we were to understand was a reference to Aaron), and her reference last night to “I was doing something for him” (which I thought was for sure going to be a reference to Ben, but turned out to be a reference to…Sawyer, whom we found out is still on the island in the future)? Now I am beginning to think that the “he” in the former episode might not be Aaron, but Sawyer, or someone else. This much does seem clear: This episode shows us where Kate and Jack fall apart and how Jack turns to drinking and drugging, in the future.

And a note about backbends: what is working for me now is what the Good Doctor was trying to tell me all along, and what Sub Boy restated for me yesterday: arms straight up overhead, not akimbo. Seems elementary, unless you have scar tissue pulling at you. THIS is why having a belt around my arms helped me when I was doing that. And it’s why having my hands in prayer at the start of Kapotasana doesn’t work for me at all. It’s arms straight up, drop back using the BACK. Duh.

Duh.

Duh.

I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends. I will not let my elbows splay out in backbends.

That is WAY easier when you use cut and paste. Hopefully, it will have the same effect as writing it on the blackboard 100 times.

YC

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4 Responses to Catching 22

  1. susananda says:

    If it’s any consolation, it’s not elementary even without the scar tissue. You teach, so you must see that many, many people have this problem – all it takes is tight shoulders. If your hands don’t slide in too, then you’ve won half the battle already..

  2. elise says:

    I relish primary days!

  3. Diana says:

    Hey Lauren
    Sorry I haven’t followed up on my last email. I can explain why another time–but in my experience the non-splaying of your legs as crucial as the non-splaying of the elbows.
    Which is why a strap and a block is helpful for at home practices.

  4. samasthiti says:

    Dang, I missed a lot the past two days. Lots of words.

    I watched Grey’s Anatomy, it was pretty good. It made me realize how glad I am the writers strike is over!

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