Love/Hate

  • My thoracic spine hurts, or perhaps more accurately, all of the muscles supporting it. Ouch. And my floating ribs. And my obliques. Ouch. At least it’s not my lower back. But, mother-f-ing ouch.
  • Sometimes, for no apparent reason at all, as in, not during practice, but at odd times like when bending over to put on shoes, the skin on my abdomen feels like it’s being ripped apart. It’s that burning sensation that you feel in your perineum during an unmedicated childbirth when you’re pushing out the baby. It’s the sensation of skin being stretched to its max.
  • I can’t fall sleep (on the other hand, I am happy to report that I can’t lie in bed in the morning either…must pop out of bed, yay!).
  • I am ravenously hungry. Okay, maybe not ravenously, but hungrier than I have been since I was running 50 miles a week. I realize that I am using way more energy now that I have added all of the poses up to Supta Vajrasana, plus unassisted and assisted dropbacks, but it is still disconcerting to suddenly have a big appetite.
  • I am terrified of getting assisted in Kapotasana, and yet I wait around to get assisted because I really, really want to get assisted. Hate it, love it, love it hate it. Confusion ensues.
  • I feel elated after practice, despite being demoralized by Pasasana (now that I am trying to do it without any lift under my heels, which is impossible for me without assistance) and Kapotasana (now that I am terrified of being assisted and fight it ever step of the way and forget to breathe, or can’t breathe, and grunt like I’m in childbirth, despite being reminded in a constant refrain, “breathe, breathe, listen to your breath, no voice, just breath”).
  • Did I mention I am completely demoralized, even borderline humiliated, by Kapotasana?
  • Did I mention that I am on a total yoga high for hours after practice, despite the demoralization and humiliation that is my Second Series practice?

All I wanted was to learn the cool poses that are Primary Series. That was enough. Until it wasn’t. When Val offered to teach me Second, I jumped at the chance. Now, I want to master it, to feel good in it, like I do in Primary. I remember how horrible I felt every day when I couldn’t do Supta Kurmasana, no matter what Sir did to get me into it. And now those days are like memories that happened to someone else. Except that they are happening to me again, only this time, my spine is curving in the total opposite direction.

I hate not being good at something. But I love a challenge. This is very confusing for me.

YC

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One Response to Love/Hate

  1. DebPC says:

    As you did when you were running 50 mpw, I hope you are feeding your appetite.
    I know that, just like in running, where you want to stay light to be faster, more efficient, less plodding hence reduced chance of injury –you want to be lean for doing yoga– maybe even more so, in order to get into the twists etc.

    But you know that not eating enough is not the way to go. Yes, I want to be thin thin thin and fit fit fit. And I am jealous of your cranked metabolism. And the way to keep that going is.. .to feed it. RIght? Otherwise your body goes into starvation mode.
    Sorry about the lecture but I worry…

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