1. The Duck Pond Lie.
I say I live by a duck pond, when really, it’s a pond that is full of geese. Everyone loves ducks. See, e.g., Donald Duck and Daffy Duck. Not so much, geese. See, e.g., Duck, Duck, Goose, that children’s circle game which blatantly discrinates against geese in favor of ducks. Also, the geese in my pond are Canada Geese. Even Canada didn’t want them.
2. I Use My Children to Improve My Position.
I have a red-headed child. Because of this, no one suspects that I color my hair. I get to play the natural red-head because I happen to have a child with the good hair gene. I also have an eight-year-old snowboarder. From this, I can borrow vast quantities of cool. I bask in the reflected light of his awesome coolness, in fact. It’s enough to make to make those whose children merely ski sick with jealousy.
3. My Home Town is Basically a Hollywood Farm Team.
I grew up in the same town as Scott Wolf and Ian Ziering. But wait, it gets better: I went to the junior prom with Scott’s brother when most people don’t even GO to the junior prom. And I hung out in the same crowd as Ian all throughout my junior year of high school (he was a senior when I was a juniIor). Don’t even get me started on my tiny New England university, which I attended with Hank Azaria, Oliver Platt, Tracy Chapman or law school, which I attended with John Kennedy, God rest his soul.
4. I miss Cheri.
Cheri was cool. Way cooler than Adrian, who was cool in that she based her existence on none other than making fun of me, which was totally awesome. And even cooler than Bad Lady, who was just a dirty old woman. What ever happend to Bad Lady anyway? Who cares? Cheri gave me attention. And there’s nothing I like so much as attention except attention from a cool kid like Cheri.
5. I Don’t Care.
I don’t care if you hate me. In fact, I like that you hate me. There’s something really fun about it. The worst thing you could do is NOT find me at least a little bit annoying.