Only in hindsight do I realize how anxiety-ridden I must have been about today’s colonoscopy. After all was said and done, and I was pronounced clean and healthy, I bounded out of the doctor’s office and onto the street with an exhuberance that can only be ascribed to the effects of major relief…or major amounts of sedatives. I bounced around the city, chatting on the phone, meandering into stores and found myself in Grand Central, thrilled to be able to take the train home. Everything was thrilling, in fact, gloriously technicolored thrilling. I guess that I have developed a generous level of denial of health fears; I simply supress the feelings of anxiety when an exam is coming up. Some of it leaks through of course, but usually it turns up in the form of aches and pains and exhaustion. Occasionally, it turns up in the form of clumsiness (hence, the bruises everywhere) or forgetfulness (hence, the loss – and later the finding, thank you my friend, Lalala, of my wristwatch the other day). And rarely, it shows up as irritability, like this morning when I bitched to the doctor about how hungry, tired and thirsty I was, and how I wanted no part of their new-fangled, non-valium-based sedative. Did that the last time, and it felt like someone had knocked me out and then shaken me awake. I prefer a dozy, drowsy, goofy kind of sedative, thank you very much. He obliged, and afterwards I thanked him profusely because it really does make a difference to me. He told me that ninety-nine percent of his patients prefer the non-valium based sedative. Always gotta march to my own drummer, I guess.
It is sooooo nice and quiet here. This afternoon, I fell asleep on the setee on my back porch, with lewis curled up at my feet. Now, all I hear is crickets and bullfrogs. My windows are open, but there won’t be dust and soot to clean up on the windowsill tomorrow. And no car alarms, no sirens, no drunk kids, no AA members drinking coffee on the church steps into the wee hours. How did I NOT live here all these years?
The funny thing about a big house – the dirty little secret, I suppose, is that with everything so far away from everything else, you tend to economize your travels within the space by consolidating your usage of the space. So, without the kids here, I find that I spend all of my time either in the kitchen, in my room or outside on the back porch. I never even walk into the other rooms, except to do the laundry. I guess that when the kids come home, I will expand my usage somewhat, which will be nice – it will validate the decision to take a big house. Right now, it just kind of feels like a waste.
Tomorrow, back to practice, which I don’t feel like defending or debating at this time.