Sucking majorly

I feel sad about my practice.

I feel like time is running out with my current embarrasment of riches situation here in NYC. Where I’m moving, there are no shalas, and let’s face it, if I can get into the city once a week for practice, that will be good. If I can get in three times, it will be a miracle of sheer discipline. Not that I don’t have discipline. But I am envisioning a stressful time, what with moving to a new town, learning to live in the wilderness (not really, but to a city mouse like me, it might seem that way, with frogs chirping and goose poop and no one around when you lock yourself out of your car), getting my kids settled in their new school, getting myself involved (hopefully) in the new community. So, it’s going to be difficult to practice with a teacher, and I am just beginning to recognize that.

I was hoping to have gotten further along in my Supta Kurmasana journey before I move. But I am also beginning to recognize that that is not happening. All of the extra practice time I’ve been logging in this adjustments training and in taking my teacher trainee friends’ classes has set me back, rather than propelling me forward. Which is making me recognize something else: I am no spring chicken. At 41, and I suppose as a result of the medications I’ve been and continue to be on for the stupid f-ing breast cancer (I had an IV drip not even six weeks ago to combat osteoporosis caused by chemo and early menopause), I am simply not supple enough and resilient enough to withstand that much repetitive movement. And it’s exhausting giving Ashtanga adjustments. When I adjust in Uttitha Hasta Padangushtasana, I feel like my spine is being crushed. Nice.

So, I’ve sort of accepted (sort of) that my practice is going to be sucking majorly until this training is finished. And even then, as always, no guarantees….

So, I feel sad about it. I am going to have to take it day by day now and not think about what comes next. And maybe it will be good for me. When I can internalize that notion, or even that there is really no finish line, I think the sadness will diminish.



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