Perhaps you might remember her from the first season of Who Wants to Seduce My Little Sister? or the Bachelor: Season 17, or, then again, maybe not. And if the latter is the case, Miss Fauxhan would like to change all that. And if she has her way, this pint-sized upstart up and comer will be on her way up the proverbial stripper pole of the young celebutante scene in no time.
“Just call me Faux Spice!” she giggles to the papparazi (see photo at left) as she exits her car (a cherry-red race car with monster truck tires, so pimped-out that sources are quoted as saying that they could not readily ascertain its make; nevertheless, it has been reported, in a Yoga Chickie exclusive, that a friend of Paris Hilton’s heard Paris telling another friend of Paris’s about “Faux’s Hot Wheels“. On the other hand, we’re told that Paris thinks that it’s hot to refer to everything and anything as “hot”).
These days, Faux has been making the scene at Hyde and Tryst on a nightly basis, “not just for the photo ops, irregardless of the fact that there supposably are, like, so many,” as she says. When she’s not dancing on tables with Paris and Lindsay Lohan, she’s dining with Nicole Richie at Chateau Marmont and Taco Bell (“Nicole, like, got her, like, intestines back from her doctor, or whatever, and I think that’s like totally brave of her, you know, to digest food and all. You ROCK Nicole!” Faux enthuses.
Of course there’s that rift with Britney to contend with. Faux gamely volunteers that she’s making amends with Britney Spears, “totally” denying those nasty rumors alleging that Faux is the reason that Britney and Kevin Federline broke up. “What, you didn’t hear the rumor?” Faux shrieks when this reporter confesses not knowing of a Faux-Kevin coupling. “Well,” she continues, “Word to all you bizotches, the rumors about Kev and me, yeah, theyz totally out there, and I am totally denying all of it, so don’t even think about asking me about it if you don’t want your interviews to end right there. Peace, love, the Gap, baby, ‘sall good.” Faux then tries to make that sideways peace-sign hand gesture that you see in all the Gap ads, but when she realizes that neither her hands nor her fingers articulate, she giggles, her green eyes flashing, unblinking. “‘Sall good,” she smiles.
For what it’s worth, when asked to comment on the alleged rumor of the alleged infidelity of her erstwhile husband, Britney Spears denied that Faux played any role in the demise of her marriage whatsoever. A Britney insider reports overhearing from another source that when asked about Faux’s relationship with Federline, Britney replied, “Faux? No [bleep]ing way she’d do that, ya’all. Girlfriend’s a doll!”
Last week under the tutelage of her friend and newly hired life coach, Paris Hilton, Faux did some serious credit card damage at Fred Segal, where Paris helped her pick out the fabulous faux (“haha, geddit?!” Faux squeals with glee) leopard print bag and matching micro-mini, each emblazoned with a sweet looking pussy, designed by up and coming designer, V-J-J. The gold blazer and matching headband are vintage Mattel. The plastic riding boots are by, who else, the sartorial choice of all of young Hollywood: Hoebag. One might wonder why Faux didn’t invest in a pair of panties, but one who wondered would have to admit to not being clued into the rite of passage for young girls whose claim to fame is a claim to fame: the panty-free crotch-shot papparazzi-invitational money-shot. The crotch shot sans panties has become as much of a trademark of Paris’s life-coaching services as heroin, crystal meth and gastric band surgery have become trademarks of Rachel Zoe’s services as a stylist to the stars.
“Everyone who’s anyone has done the Vagina Monologues,” Faux explains, “Well, that’s how Paris explained it to me. Besides, it’s also an opportunity to show the world that I’m worldly, you know, Brazil and all. Plus, Paris said that all the other girls do it, and that if I wanna be friends with her and them, I have to do it too. I was like, Paris, do you realize that I don’t actually have a vagina? She was all, like, ‘whatever, I don’t even know if Britney has one since she had to have a caesar salad dissection.’ And so I figured, I just better go on and give the people what they want.”
So, there you have it. Pictured here, we see that Faux knows how to keep hers cool, er, keep her cool.
Faux’s just shootin’ the breeze.
So out she’s in.
Matching her outerwear to her underwear.
Letting the cat out of the bag.
Throwing caution to the wind.
Proving she’s a natural redhe……
…oh, never mind.