Yep, I dunnit

I scraped down deeeeeep for some motivation and did my stupid practice.

Mind wandering into self-dissing as vinyasas became choppy during the Marichyasanas. Mind wandering to the point of requiring body to repeat each Marichyasana several times just to make sure that I can really and truly “do it”. Kind of like checking and rechecking to make sure that the gas is not on. Mind wandering into self-flagellation over the nine inch span between my hands in my first go round of Supta K. Second round, I managed to work my hands up my back more and reduced the span by half. How do I know this? Used a measuring tape rather than a belt or a towel.

Yes, Yoga Chickie has gone to the dark place.

Kathy, who shall remain linkless, made a good point yesterday, although not in exactly these words: I am struggling. I need not beat myself up for struggling, thus increasing my struggle. Acknowledging the struggle is enough. That is yoga too. In my meditation training, I was taught to acknowledge my thinking rather than fixating on how sucky my meditation is because of my thinking. “Thinking,” I was taught to say to myself as I identified these little thought bubbles that always seem to hover over my head… and then just let it go….treating these thoughts as having no more weight than soap bubbles or cumulus clouds on a sunny day.

Not loving the practice right now, although it’s totally my own stuff at work here (see yesterday’s Dear Ashtanga letter). Thinking. I suck at Supta K, and I have no idea why. Thinking. I can drop back, but it means nothing because I can’t stand up. Thinking.

What I really need is to somehow come back to being satisfied with being where I am, enjoying how good the practice makes me feel, rather than letting the competitive, goal-oriented feelings it stirs up in me take over where the joy used to be.

Shala tomorrow? I think so. Perhaps that will help to bring me back to practicing what I practice, and not dabbling in the later poses, which is, I believe, where the darkness started to descend around me.

Good God, I sound like a drama queen!!!



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